Reflections

What follows is a free flow of thought and reflection with my God and savior. This is not meant to be a comprehensive, reader-friendly form of self expression. Simply self expression for my present and possibly future benefit, or the benefit of anyone else who may be compelled to read through and relate. Proceed if you feel so compelled.

I have been thinking a lot about my own desires lately. My desire to find happiness. To witness people be changed by God.

Really, just to see God concretely and undeniably perform miracles I think would bring me considerable joy and affirmation in my faith. However, I do not believe this to be the correct heart for which God would perform miracles by. The Lord works through faith to perform miracles, not the other way around. -tangent.

My desire for a girlfriend... the perfect wife. I start to think of the seasons we go through. Different times in our life, we seem to have different prominent desires. We think that certain things will really be awesome if we had them. We start to ask God for guidance in reaching these things. We begin to put our hope in these things. Before you know it, these things become camouflaged idols, and we don't even know it. I don't think the problem is in the idol itself, but more based upon how we are trying to relate to God. And the stronger our desire for the idol, the more illustrated this concept seems to become. Example time...

I stated already the desire my desire for a girlfriend. When it comes to romance and emotions, things get awfully blurry. When you have feelings for someone, you start thinking about all the great things and perfect scenarios you can imagine with that person. I don't know about girls, but I think that applies to pretty much everyone. (So because I could not speak for everyone I will now start to switch to using first person.) I will start thinking of all the qualities that make that person a great girlfriend. I will think of all the times I've had with that person, all the things we could do together, all we have in common, even how good of a couple we'd make (ya pretty sickening I know, but I never said I'm proud of who I am). All the while, I find myself obsessing over this relationship that I don't even have yet. In this pretend relationship universe, all that is important is how I feel, being with the person I want, and how perfect life will be. The scary thing is I seem to have no control over this. That's why we call them feelings, right? So we can remove our own free will from the equation. We can't be held responsible for what we "feel".

As I get caught up in all this relationship business, God reminds me through experience and through scripture that life is not about me. All this relationship stuff... all these scenarios... the sleepless nights thinking about that special someone... it's all self-focused thought. Not just like thinking about what I'm going to eat for lunch, but a million times more intense than that. I am reminded when I first gave my life to Christ- what that meant. I didn't start following God to get the things that I want. I didn't do it for worldly possession, or to get a loving spouse. I did it to be with God, to get to know my Creator who called me into relationship with Him. Even with that knowledge, these feelings remain persistent. But a sobering thought comes to mind. No human relationship is perfect. All of these delusions about marriage are not visions of the future. They are my own hopeful dreams. But as many idols, we are blinded by the short-term. I don't see the struggles that may lie ahead in this new relationship. I don't see the fights, the disappointments, the struggles, nor do I have any kind of idea how the relationship will actually look like. And once I have it, it will not be enough. Life will not be perfect. I will continue to look for happiness in other places. I'm reminded of Ecclesiastes: "All is vanity, a chasing after the wind."

It is that realization that brings me back to reality, and more importantly, brings me back to God. For even if God blesses me with a wife, she will not be "perfect". No human relationship is perfect. Nothing created by man is perfect. Even if I do pursue this relationship, it won't bring me lasting satisfaction. It won't bring me anything close to the true joy I can have with God. Who am I to say, "If she and I were together, we would be perfectly happy."? The Lord knows what I need, and the Lord knows what will satisfy me. Its important to not get too caught up in a certain person, lest we compromise the importance and power of our relationship with God. For I may gain these blessings, they are all temporary, a chasing after the wind. No relationship ought to come before that which is with the Father, because all things good come from the Father. It is foolish to chase after anything else.

So I conclude, the Lord is good, and I will praise him for all of his sovereignty and love. I will lift my soul up to God, and leave the results up to Him who is most high. Yes, I may have feelings or desires for certain things, but I acknowledge that whether I receive them or not is up to God. Also, whether I receive them or not is for His glory and my benefit. For God is good always. I may be in love with someone, but I was not created for my wants to be satisfied, but to be sons and daughters of God. And as I realize that these feelings are momentary, and God is eternal, I am released from some of that angst for that special someone. I care about them, but my world will not end if I cannot be with them. I will rejoice with God as His plans unfold, regardless. But whats more, I am free to spend more focus on God. I am filled with joy, even in the midst of not knowing who I will end up with in marriage. Even with these feelings and desires left unfulfilled. Strangely, I am joyful because God is my fortress. And that joy alone makes me optimistic for the future.

Why on earth would I blog?

If you know me, then it may seem odd that I'm starting a blog. I've been very much against blogs ever since the invention of them in middle school. In fact, my attitude towards blogs can be summed up by this quote: "Blogs: Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few." I think there is a great level of narcissism that goes into blogging, and honestly, I feel like a hypocrite for doing this, so we will see how long this lasts.

However, I have purpose for starting this. My foremost reason is to illustrate what in my life drives me. Why I do the things that I do. If you are reading this, you may be someone I love very much, you may be close friend of mine, or just an acquaintance. Maybe you are someone I have wronged, or someone who disagrees entirely with my thinking. In any case, I want to use this blog as a means to illustrate that which is most important in my life. I consider it a tragedy that there those of you who I love that don't know the most important parts of me.

Usually, when I catch up with someone, I want to get updated on their life. Normally, I'll end up talking about how school is going, work, or whether I'm dating anyone (usually not). But those are not the things that I value most in life. They don't define who I am, or really say much about me at all. To be honest, what has changed me the most and made me the person I am today is God. God is not just a facet of my life, but the driving force behind every aspect of my life: school, work, relationships, family...

So for you to know anything about who I am today, how I got to be who I am today, and where in this life am I going, you would have to know about how God plays a role in all of that.

The trouble is "religion" is an awkward thing to talk about. I feel like people don't want to hear about it. The problem is I don't consider what I believe to be "religion." And as family and friends of mine who I value dearly, I think you have a right to know who I am.

Which leads me back to why I am starting this blog, despite my strong sentiment against them. I want to use this as a means to share how I've experienced God, the real issues I've struggled with in my faith, and overall, just what my life as a Christian looks like. I am not a super "religious" person. I was not brought up in the church. I never considered myself a superstitious person. I am just someone who has been changed by God, when I didn't even expect it or deserve it. And I hope that from what I share here, that you may be encouraged, may be able to relate, or at the very least give you some understanding about God and who He is. So I encourage you to comment, message me, call me or text me if there is anything on here that provokes you or you would like me to talk more about. And maybe next time I see you, we will have new things to talk about.